Sunday 28th August 2011 1.15am

I'm bored. So I write.

My boyfriend tells me I should find inspiration in the countryside, in the trees. Maybe it's my country upbringing, maybe it's my cold heart, but I don't find this life inspirational. People are my inspiration. The breath of life, the living creature amongst the still.

Still. Still life. Work, eat, sleep.

No. Just, no.

Ever since I could remember, I wanted nothing more than to get to London and let my life begin. The people, the excitement, the 'something-to-do-no-matter-what-the-time' mentality.

I am the first to sit back and admire the world, the natural beauty of our universe. Why, just now I stopped my friends and made them admire the stars. Look at those stars. You don't see those stars in London. Ten stars per postage stamp in your sight. Stars. Wow. And then....

Well. Jeez. Sometimes I admire this country life. Sometimes I pity. Neither are right. I try to picture this situation with my loved one in my arms. I think the bliss would be blissful, for a short while. It's like a holiday. Everybody loves to relax, but 4 weeks later you want a challenge (or you should).

Maybe that's why country folk (generally) get settled and have children earlier. Who knows.

My brother has learning difficulties. He has really struggled his whole life. About a month ago he came to visit me in London for the first time, alone. The more I talked to him, the more I realised, you are so lucky. No, it's not lucky to have these problems, these issues. But my GOD, he knows what he wants to do in life. He knows he has to work with cars, he has an ambition, a target, a place he has to get to. I have always been the same. Ok, I didn't really struggle in school (apart from severe laziness in anything that didnt fulfill me) but at least I always knew what I wanted. My Mum remembers me, at a very young age, telling her that I was going to move to London and be an actress. How lucky. How remarkable to always know what you wanted. I honestly can't imagine not really knowing.

I really hope my best friend doesn't hate me for writing this, but I have always admired her for her intelligence, her supreme authority and wiseness, and yet I feel she has not found her calling. I hope she NOW has, as the career she now pursues seems to be something that she cares about and wishes to pursue deeply. But it always tore me up how she was the most deep, interesting, phenomenal person I knew, and yet she couldn't quite find what she wanted to do in life. All I want/wanted was for her to be happy. Content. Serene. Excited.

I hope she's found it. She is my rock. And all I want is for her to be happy. And this won't be the last time. I hope that our friendship will blossom throughout our lives, and therefore we shall face bigger struggles together than 'what job should I do'. We will face, marriage, children, cancer, dying parents, betraying friends, big decisions.....possibly. And if these things to happen to us, I want us to deal with them together. Friends are for life, not just for christmas. You can divorce your partners. You choose your friends, not your family.

bla bla bla. Thoughts of a random 23 year old in the middle of the countryside, somewhere, some way off, mean nothing, to most. But someday, someone will read my words and be moved. For whatever reason. Even if it just makes them pick up their phone and ring that best friend, that brother.

Goodnight. Choose wisely.

Wednesday 24th August 2011 11.27am

I've been a busy girl. Where to start?

Well, 'Little Shop of Horrors' opened. I was terrified. It's been quite an eye opener for me, this project. For one, it's been a little while since I've had such a big challenge and it also happens to be the biggest job of my career so far. For two, working in a new way with a new director has been interesting. The show is a brilliant success and everything has worked out but it's interesting to come into contact with people that work in different ways. My weak point in acting has often been my movement. My (sometimes in the past) low body confidence has often caused me to feel insecure with movement choices when creating a character and so in this show when faced with a directer whose main skill is movement, I am faced with a challenge. I am a thinker. When I say thinker, I don't think I am one of those stuck-in-a-book actors, but I do like to make sure that everything, every movement, every joke comes from truth. Something which is sometimes hard to find in musical theatre.

But, the show is open, and I am learning something new every day. The cast are fabulous and I'm looking forward to settling into our short run now that rehearsals are over. Press night tomorrow. Fingers crossed for more lovely reviews.

Talking of low body confidence - this has been something that has had me torn up inside for years and years and I've finally decided to do something about it. No, I'm not seeing a shrink or seeing a hypnotist (all of these things I have considered), I am taking up Burlesque classes. And I am terrified. Ok so I've always been an impulsive person. But this sudden impulse requires me to stand on stage at Madame Jojo's in little more than knickers and some stickers on my boobs. Hmm. I am going to the classes with Tigz Rice (Burlesque photographer extraordinaire) and she is looking for increased body confidence too. There's no doubt about it, I will be eating a lot better and working out more in the build up to this momentus event BUT won't it be wonderful to stand on stage and feel beautiful and liberated? I hope so, Gok Wan seems to believe in this method so why can't I? If in december you find me locked away under a mountain of dorito bags you can guess it probably didn't go to plan......

It was my birthday yesterday. And what a lovely birthday it was. Cocktails with friends, dirty kebab, breakfast in bed, morning napping, new ipod and babiliss hair rollers (yes!), posh nosh lunch at the top of the oxo towere with my beloved, ring shopping (although I'm yet to pick the right one) and 'Betwixt' at Trafalgar Studios (brilliantly bizarre - although slightly upset that Ellen Greene had left the cast and I had not realised). 23. Don't think I can claim to be the baby anymore. Although, God bless those friends that will always be ten years older - you know who you are - (you will always be my favorites).

This morning I had my first meeting with Miles, the director and choreographer of our new Burlesque/Follies/Revue/Show/Spectacular at Proud Cabaret. Not much to report, lots of idea being thrown around - all of which I like. Let's just say, Madonna better watch out. Coco's going VOGUE.

Summer is quickly fading and christmas seems to be approaching quicker than is humanly possible. But this year I don't mind. If my luck carries on the way it's been going I'm happy for life to trundle along at whatever pace it wants. Love, work, family, friends. Yep, things are pretty peachy. (Ok, some sunshine would be nice but we can't have it all).

Saturday 6th August 2011 8.30pm

I leave for Leicestershire on Monday morning. Yep. Off to Leicestershire to play Audrey in "Little Shop of Horrors" for the summer. I am so very excited but so very scared that it will be over before I have time to blink. I keep standing outside of myself in rehearsals and take it all in. Everyone else is so calm, collected, not bothered etc. I guess to them it's just another job. But I am loving every moment. I had to stop myself from shedding a little tear. (wuss).

I am so ruddy ambitious, I do wonder if I will ever stop getting so excited when things actually happen. I'm always on a journey, always trying to get somewhere. But I'm not really sure where that somewhere is. And that's fine, right now anyways. But do you ever worry that you'll never be content? I guess the sky's the limit so why stop just as you reach the stars?

As a kid I always wanted to be famous. I don't have that need anymore. In fact, it was a sad day last year when I realized at the age of 21 I was probably too old to be a popstar. Now, I think I could take it or leave it. I don't think fame would do me any good as a person. But it would be lovely to be respected for your art, to be able to pick and choose roles, songs, red carpet dresses!

I know I wasn't put on this earth to be ordinary. And I've known that from the moment I could think. But my life isn't ordinary. And that's the main reason I started writing these blogs. So this ridiculously insane life of mine could be documented in some way. For me to read when I'm old and sat in a rocking chair. For my grandchildren to read and see that their Gran used to be hard working and talented.

I CANNOT IMAGINE doing a 'normal' job. I just don't have it in me. Sometimes I wish I did. Sometimes I envy those people that seem so content with their routine, their regularity, their desk, their suits, their home-by-five-dinner-on-the-table-at-six. But nope. I couldn't do it. I go from job to job, theatre to theatre, club to club, and I wouldn't change it for the world. And I don't want it to change either.

I do know (despite my mother insisting that I'm a 'career girl'), that all this would be nothing without love. I wish I could convince myself of that when I'm out of work!!

Last Monday, most of my old class of friends from Central went out for drinks in memory of Professor Bruce Kirle (the most inspirational man that ever graced my life AND the man who gave me my ticket into this crazy career by unleashing me on Central). We sat, and we talked, and we remembered. And my best friend Katy looked around the table at our friends, then turned to me and said : "I thank him for a lot of things, but mostly I thank him for bringing us together".

A few nights ago, my boyfriend and I walked arm in arm and he said : "Life without family is nothing. Family is all there is".

I remember Bruce saying: "What good are the good things in life, if you have no one to share it with?"

No good, no good at all.