My boyfriend tells me I should find inspiration in the countryside, in the trees. Maybe it's my country upbringing, maybe it's my cold heart, but I don't find this life inspirational. People are my inspiration. The breath of life, the living creature amongst the still.
Still. Still life. Work, eat, sleep.
No. Just, no.
Ever since I could remember, I wanted nothing more than to get to London and let my life begin. The people, the excitement, the 'something-to-do-no-matter-what-the-time' mentality.
I am the first to sit back and admire the world, the natural beauty of our universe. Why, just now I stopped my friends and made them admire the stars. Look at those stars. You don't see those stars in London. Ten stars per postage stamp in your sight. Stars. Wow. And then....
Well. Jeez. Sometimes I admire this country life. Sometimes I pity. Neither are right. I try to picture this situation with my loved one in my arms. I think the bliss would be blissful, for a short while. It's like a holiday. Everybody loves to relax, but 4 weeks later you want a challenge (or you should).
Maybe that's why country folk (generally) get settled and have children earlier. Who knows.
My brother has learning difficulties. He has really struggled his whole life. About a month ago he came to visit me in London for the first time, alone. The more I talked to him, the more I realised, you are so lucky. No, it's not lucky to have these problems, these issues. But my GOD, he knows what he wants to do in life. He knows he has to work with cars, he has an ambition, a target, a place he has to get to. I have always been the same. Ok, I didn't really struggle in school (apart from severe laziness in anything that didnt fulfill me) but at least I always knew what I wanted. My Mum remembers me, at a very young age, telling her that I was going to move to London and be an actress. How lucky. How remarkable to always know what you wanted. I honestly can't imagine not really knowing.
I really hope my best friend doesn't hate me for writing this, but I have always admired her for her intelligence, her supreme authority and wiseness, and yet I feel she has not found her calling. I hope she NOW has, as the career she now pursues seems to be something that she cares about and wishes to pursue deeply. But it always tore me up how she was the most deep, interesting, phenomenal person I knew, and yet she couldn't quite find what she wanted to do in life. All I want/wanted was for her to be happy. Content. Serene. Excited.
I hope she's found it. She is my rock. And all I want is for her to be happy. And this won't be the last time. I hope that our friendship will blossom throughout our lives, and therefore we shall face bigger struggles together than 'what job should I do'. We will face, marriage, children, cancer, dying parents, betraying friends, big decisions.....possibly. And if these things to happen to us, I want us to deal with them together. Friends are for life, not just for christmas. You can divorce your partners. You choose your friends, not your family.
bla bla bla. Thoughts of a random 23 year old in the middle of the countryside, somewhere, some way off, mean nothing, to most. But someday, someone will read my words and be moved. For whatever reason. Even if it just makes them pick up their phone and ring that best friend, that brother.
Goodnight. Choose wisely.
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